Dark Place

I can feel I'm in a really dark place.

 

1. Now that my English--at least pronunciation--has improved to another level, ironically, I don't have anyone I want to talk to. I'm not surprised because I was well aware that Max was the only American I liked to talk to. My plan was to get better jobs where I could speak English with clients and coworkers but the only job that looks like is actually happening is the interpretor position and I'm afraid the interaction and conversations could be very dry and limited. Also it's remote work so there won't be coworkers to chat with. I am so lonely that I am hoping the 6-week-training isn't all self-paced.

 

2. Max has been going through a manic period for a couple weeks. This means all we talked about was him and his drawings. Now he has enough confidence to believe he is an artist. I am happy for him fulfilling his long overdue dream, but his incessant, self-absorbed talking has worn me out. 

 

3. Knowing a lot about Max's business is likely to contribute to my downward spiral. I am clearing up Max's client list. In order to do that I need to check his emails and find out what happened to each job. SO MANY jobs he put time and effort into fell through. Clients chose another company or projects were put on hold. Or clients just ghosted him. And he constantly writes follow-up emails to those clients: do you have any new video work? did you receive my email? what's the reason you decided to go with another company? I hope to work with you in the future!.........I kind of hear all of his conversations with his employees and clients pretty much  all day long as he works from home and our rooms don't have soundproof walls. I don't like it, but reading his emails are, I guess, even worse. I don't know why, but his emails sound too nice and a bit too desperate. Don't get me wrong, his business is successful. You've got to endure rejections and persevere. It ain't pretty behind all the glamor.

 

4. As always, when I'm in a dark place, I think about my parents. I blame my lack of self-esteem on my dad and I feel bad for mom because she worries too much that I worry. 

 

5. I find myself looking forward to the next winter trip. It's an escape from the reality, day-to-day struggle. When I am away, everything is on hold. It's like I'm in this protective bubble. I would feel lost if I stopped taking these long trips. First of all, I would be bored out of my mind without the adrenaline rush I get from a new environment. Second of all, I would be so lonely without the perfect excuse for not having friends.

 

6. Speaking of friends, I can't decide whether I need them or not. I'm not even sure if the ones I have in New York are real. Last year it dawned on me that I was the one who always reached out and initiated gatherings. This dynamic hasn't changed since then and I can't help thinking they don't like me enough to call or text me first. Sadly, I'm getting tired and might not contact them for a while.